Divorce Satirist Gifts

'Why do divorces cost so much?' - 'Because they're worth it.'

'People think puppy love is so cute. But you never hear a word about puppy divorce.'

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

The finer points of marriage.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

'...And do you Colin, take Linda to be your cook, cleaner and main income provider?'

'I'm entitled to one phone call!'

"I can't sentence your husband to hard time in this court, and having met you, it would be unnecessarily redundant."

'I got custody of the kids.'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'Actually, your wife's quite hot... Mind if I ask her for a date?... Post decree absolute, of course.'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'

'That's the mental cruelty pair,she's cruel and he's mental.'

'My wife is setting the world record for an unconsummated marriage!'