Divorce Satire Fan Gifts

'I'm divorcing you...and I want custody of the squids.'

'When Jane divorced me she let me keep my loin cloth.'

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"Yes ... no!"

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

Revenge Graffiti.

"I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us. We're contraindicated."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

'Apparently my ex's idea of heaven was to punch me in the eye.'

How come nothing good ever happens to me? Like what? Like getting taken by a foreign government then rescued. I want to get a book contract, to be part of the news cycle, to have him talk about me. Whom? Speak my name, Anderson Cooper! The great one.

"It's appendicitis, madam. No need, at this point, to pull the plug."

'I got custody of the kids.'

'I can't go on like this Wilfred - you've changed so - You're no longer the man I married.'

She left Friday. He noticed Tuesday, when all the clean towels ran out.

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

"If music be the food of love, shut up."

For 364 days of the year Santa was a very successsful divorce lawyer.

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

'Currently, my assets are diversified. They're split up among my 4 ex-wives.'

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

"I'm sorry, Sparky... I don't think we're a good fit."

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

'I call it, 'Albert Was Insufferable'.'

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

"When I first started school all I wanted were A's but since hitting puberty I'm far more interested in D's."

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'

Congratulations on your Divorce