Divorce Humor Fan Gifts

'I want a divorce, a divorce, and a divorce.'

"That's Arthur, my first husband. I usually leave out food for him."

Divorce Court - Boxing gloves hanging up

'My marriage is over. I gave that jerk the best hours of my life!'

'Don't feel bad, Steve -- it actually went quite well for a first marriage.'

'Currently, my assets are diversified. They're split up among my 4 ex-wives.'

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'

"It was a REALLY tough divorce. . . she got the hair!"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'I told you he had a temper.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us. We're contraindicated."

"My wife isn't speaking to me."

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"I remember when you used to whisper sweet nothings in my ear."

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'You wanted me to take you to my leader. Well, my wife is my leader.'

"I'll be back – I'm going to run from my emotions."

'To be perfectly honest, I cross the road to get away from my husband.'

'I don't mind him smoking in bed. . .But not herrings.'

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

Married people live longer

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"It's his favorite time of year."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"