Divorce Humorist Gifts

'Can't we just get a divorce?'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

Early divorce settlement

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

HUSBAND FOR SALE - Am keeping the house.

'What wine goes best with finalizing a divorce?'

"The judge gave my wife everything in our divorce."

"Hal and I are still some way from a settlement. I want the house, the car and 50 per cent of the money, and he wants my head on a plate."

"I got custody of the kids. Do you want one?"

"Don't be silly, Howard - there is no ceremony for re-affirming one's divorce."

"I got the house in the settlement and, as you requested, custody of your mother is assigned to your ex."

Crump and Crump: A Divorce Owned Business.

"She can keep the kid. He just wants visitation rights to, the porridge."

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

'I used to be married but now I just have a motorcycle.'

'She divorced you too? So, does that make me her ex, ex husband?'

Cakes For All Occasions, including Weddings & Divorces.

'It's a pity, a week ago I divorced him, and today he won the lottery.'

'That's nothing - MY ex actually KILLED me!'

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'