Divorce Humor Aficionado Gifts

His wife left him, took the car.

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

"My wife's lawyer doesn't understand me."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

"Can you recommend something for the attorney who got me everything?"

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"I want something more out of this relationship. . . me!"

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

Dog to person whose legs are sticking out of doghouse: 'Which important date did you forget this time, Jeff?'

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"...your ex-wife also mentions a gold filling."

'You were right - the honeymoon is a bad time to get to know a gal!'

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'I got custody of the kids.'

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

'Trouble is he doesn't know the difference between lube and putty. . . Our windows fell out!'

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

"Alimony is like paying off a car after you've crashed it."