Divorce Humor Enthusiast Gifts

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'My wife is trying to repurpose me from husband to alimony check.'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

Under terms of the divorce, she will give up your surname, but keeps her maiden name and the hyphen.

'I got custody of the kids.'

New divorcee says to former husband: 'Bye now, pay later.'

"The settlement was a complete mess - somehow I got custody of his mistress."

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

"We're separated."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"I want something more out of this relationship. . . me!"

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

'Could you speak up Mrs Jones, I didn't hear what the problem is...'

"My concession speech will be brief. You win."

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"If my husband starts nibbling your ear, you have my permission to confiscate his teeth."

"An 'Irish divorce' doesn't have quite the same ring to it as a 'Mexican divorce'."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

'You were right - the honeymoon is a bad time to get to know a gal!'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

'You're right... I just don't get it. And I recall a time, not so very long ago, when you loved that about me!'