Divorce Humor Gifts

"The judge gave my wife everything in our divorce."

Which will open up a lane to hit my ex-wife's lawyer in section seven, row two, seat fine.

'Wow! Your wife's lawyer was really good, wasn't he?'

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

"Shadow? All these years I thought that was my ex-wife!"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"I want something more out of this relationship. . . me!"

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"Can we not fly in a "V"? Victor broke up with me."

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

'They're like ice! You're like a giant vampire bat sucking the warmth out of me!'

'This is my new husband Gregory -- I don't quite have all the bugs out of him yet.'

'I should have listened to my mother. . . when she said you were immature.'

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"

Your nose used to light up and buzz when I touched you.

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

'Oh for crying out loud, so there's a spider in the bathtub!!'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"