Divorce Humor Gifts

"The judge gave my wife everything in our divorce."

'Wow! Your wife's lawyer was really good, wasn't he?'

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"Can we not fly in a "V"? Victor broke up with me."

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

"I want something more out of this relationship. . . me!"

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

'I should have listened to my mother. . . when she said you were immature.'

'This is my new husband Gregory -- I don't quite have all the bugs out of him yet.'

'They're like ice! You're like a giant vampire bat sucking the warmth out of me!'

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"Do you know how distracting it is when you spin the chamber on that revolver?"

'Oh for crying out loud, so there's a spider in the bathtub!!'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

Angry wife and a drunken husband will need medical assistance.