Divorce Humorists Gifts

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"You call that worrying?"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'Cool, a wheel. Now you can take me shopping.'

'That one was taken on our wedding day, when he was young, handsome and in love. That other one was taken when he was older, more mature and a pain in the neck.'

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Since we've been married thirty years, Lester, I think it's time to face up to the fact that we've been seeing too much of each other.'

'It's a wife -- any of you guys got a wife?'

"One more word from you and I am leaving home."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."