Divorce Humorists Gifts

"Shadow? All these years I thought that was my ex-wife!"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

"You call that worrying?"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'Cool, a wheel. Now you can take me shopping.'

'That one was taken on our wedding day, when he was young, handsome and in love. That other one was taken when he was older, more mature and a pain in the neck.'

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"And this is where Simon works remotely...thinks remotely...and acts remotely."

'This must be the 'worse' part of 'for better or worse'!'

'It's a wife -- any of you guys got a wife?'