Divorce Party Gifts

"You idiot, I'm your first wife."

"Good game."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

I could have danced all night!

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

Very Difficult Conversations

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"I just realized you're my entire entourage."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

Pilot with champagne.

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

"I can't believe he brought her."

Shaken not stirred

Stairlift around cliff face.

Balancing two espresso martinis

"I am so attracted to you right now."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"