Divorce Party T-Shirts

"You idiot, I'm your first wife."

I've always wanted to quit while I was ahead but the opportunity never presented itself.

"Good game."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

I could have danced all night!

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"I just realized you're my entire entourage."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

C'mon, it'll be fun! I'll throw on some stars, pop in a few planets, drum up a life form or two, and this place will be hoppin'! The Big Shebang Theory.

Very Difficult Conversations

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

Pilot with champagne.

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

"He was just hanging about in the shed, so I had him repurposed."

Shaken not stirred

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"Damn those dugout Martinis!"

Balancing two espresso martinis

Stairlift around cliff face.

"I can't believe he brought her."