Divorce Parties Gifts

"Sir your wife would like to formally invite you to her 'bring your own lawyer' divorce party."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

Children's Parties

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

Cow Pinatas

'Sooner or later, someone at the party will hand you a sandwich and a glass of wine - then what?'

Bacchus.

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

Cat Nip.

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"I told you playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey was a dumb idea."

Champagne

Early photobombing

"I just realized you're my entire entourage."

"I was almost that last year."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Very Difficult Conversations

Cardiac Recovery.

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

The Grasshopper's Feast: A Prophetic Vision

"Anna - there's someone I'd like to meet."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Bubbly

Mr. Punch's Fancy Ball

C'mon, it'll be fun! I'll throw on some stars, pop in a few planets, drum up a life form or two, and this place will be hoppin'! The Big Shebang Theory.

'Smashing party, Miss - can we have another one tomorrow?'

"I can't believe he brought her."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"