Divorced Partner Gifts

"Larry and I decided to swim up separate streams this year."

"As per the terms of my divorce, my ex-wife will conduct the final movement."

'I've come back to you, Maureen - I realise you can't live without me!'

'I'm sorry, but it's strictly against my policy to hire a former husband.'

'But, your Honour, I saw him put his arms around her three times.'

"Marriage is like a migraine. Once it's gone, you begin to miss it."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

"So halfway through the divorce proceedings, I find out Henry is a warlock."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

The Gayhorns

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

Staying Single Explained.

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

"Let's review cause and effect. Your divorce 10 years ago can't affect your son's zero today."