Divorced Partner Gifts

"Larry and I decided to swim up separate streams this year."

"As per the terms of my divorce, my ex-wife will conduct the final movement."

'I've come back to you, Maureen - I realise you can't live without me!'

'I'm sorry, but it's strictly against my policy to hire a former husband.'

'But, your Honour, I saw him put his arms around her three times.'

"Marriage is like a migraine. Once it's gone, you begin to miss it."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

"So halfway through the divorce proceedings, I find out Henry is a warlock."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

Staying Single Explained.

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

As part of the divorce settlement, Bob takes over his ex-wife's small business.

'Remember when I threatened suicide the first time you went home to your mother!'