Divorced Family Member Gifts

'Quit whining about your divorce settlement! You're not the only one, you know!'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

"So halfway through the divorce proceedings, I find out Henry is a warlock."

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

The Gayhorns

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

Staying Single Explained.

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

A single man can be seen through the front window of the "ME Only Restaurant".

'Before you decide where you'd like to live, look who's setting up shop in my living room.'

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

"Lover’s leap" "Wife toss"

'Remember when I threatened suicide the first time you went home to your mother!'

"At what point did you realize your ex-husband was behind on his child support?"

'No, it's not number four either, but he does look like my ex-husband. Yeah, let's go with number four.'

"Nobody ever talks about how when you marry a human at 16, you might divorce by 30 and have to move back to the sea."