Divorced Parent Gifts

Modern relationships on mailboxes.

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

"It's my weekend with the kids."

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

'Remember when I threatened suicide the first time you went home to your mother!'

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

"But, Your Honor, I want supervised visits with the kids!"

"Let's review cause and effect. Your divorce 10 years ago can't affect your son's zero today."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Very Difficult Conversations

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"I can't believe he brought her."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"