Parents' Divorce Gifts

"My mom has a new boyfriend, my dad has a new girlfriend and all I got was a new therapist."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"I can't believe he brought her."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

Marriage least expected to last...

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'What'll it be?'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"I met my first husband at Bloomingdale's and my second husband at Banana Republic."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'Henry, we can't begin to make progress unless your friend leaves the room.'

Can we talk about our attorney-client relationship?

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."