Divorced Spouse Gifts

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

"She’s getting the house and cars, but you get to retain all your unique streaming services passwords."

The Gayhorns

"We're still talking - through our lawyers."

'Look at the relationship from my point of view - I loathe you.'

'My wife evolved into a land-dweller with another fish!'

"I'm unhappy with my wedding snaps...can you remove my husband?"

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Very Difficult Conversations

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I can't believe he brought her."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

"I met my first husband at Bloomingdale's and my second husband at Banana Republic."

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'What'll it be?'