Divorcee Gifts

"Three. How many times you been married?"

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

"Why, Ed Phillips! I haven't seen you since our divorce!"

"I had lower back pain for years. Then I got a divorce and it went away."

Our biggest mistake was in calling your ex-wife as a character witness.

"So halfway through the divorce proceedings, I find out Henry is a warlock."

'Computer dating? I want my money back. You fixed me up with my first wife.'

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"At what point did you realize your ex-husband was behind on his child support?"

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Very Difficult Conversations

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"I can't believe he brought her."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"I met my first husband at Bloomingdale's and my second husband at Banana Republic."

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."