Divorce Proceedings Gifts

'Wow! Your wife's lawyer was really good, wasn't he?'

Lawyer, couple in bed - 'Natalie, remember my mother said we shouldn't go to sleep without settling things...'

'I'm not sure a slow-motion egg sandwich exploding in your face is sufficient grounds for a divorce, Mrs Smith.'

DIVORCE COURT, 'Are you free for dinner later?', 'See what I mean?'

'I think the problem is, Lydia, you're a man-hater and Robert, you're a woman-hater, and I can't stand either one of you.'

"Try mansplaining your way out of this one."

Trial by Media

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Very Difficult Conversations

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"I can't believe he brought her."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

'What'll it be?'

"I met my first husband at Bloomingdale's and my second husband at Banana Republic."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'Henry, we can't begin to make progress unless your friend leaves the room.'