Dining Dispute Detectives T-Shirts

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'How is the water prepared?'

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"Don't tell him anything."

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

'Mine was stone cold.'

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

"Our menu never claims that our meat is barbecued. It just says that it's covered in barbecue sauce."

'You're cute when you blow your cool.'

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Plane with banner shoots at another.

"Are we pessimists and our stomachs are half empty or optimists and our stomachs are half full?"

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."

"This place is slipping. The 'Chef's Surprise' looks more like a cook's confusion."

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'