Dining Etiquette Detective T-Shirts

'For goodness sake, don't put your knife in your mouth. But my fork leaks.'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"Don't tell him anything."

'Mine was stone cold.'

"The last doggy bag."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Plane with banner shoots at another.

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"