Dine-out Detective T-Shirts

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'How is the water prepared?'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"Don't tell him anything."

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

'I asked for a rare steak and you certainly don't see many as BAD as this!'

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Plane with banner shoots at another.

CSI Fridays

I'm sorry, Miss. I can't involve the bouncer just to "teach somebody a lesson." Menu.

Diner. We're out of link sausages. Are patties okay? Any pork in a storm!

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

How is your soup, sir? Speaking for myself, it looks pretty good. I can't speak for the fly, of course.

'Mine was stone cold.'

"Our menu never claims that our meat is barbecued. It just says that it's covered in barbecue sauce."

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."