Dine-out Detective T-Shirts

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'How is the water prepared?'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"Don't tell him anything."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

'I asked for a rare steak and you certainly don't see many as BAD as this!'

Plane with banner shoots at another.

CSI Fridays

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

'Mine was stone cold.'

"Our menu never claims that our meat is barbecued. It just says that it's covered in barbecue sauce."

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"This place is slipping. The 'Chef's Surprise' looks more like a cook's confusion."

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'