Dine-and-dash Detective T-Shirts

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'How is the water prepared?'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"That's a plain burger and black coffee? But what kind of plain burger and what kind of black coffee?"

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"Don't tell him anything."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Plane with banner shoots at another.

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

'Mine was stone cold.'

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

'Well, that's the last of the garlic repellent.'

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

'Waiter, I don't remember ordering this gristle!'

'Darling - are you finding these waiters rather over-attentive?'

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."

"This place is slipping. The 'Chef's Surprise' looks more like a cook's confusion."