Dine-and-dash Detective T-Shirts

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'How is the water prepared?'

"That's a plain burger and black coffee? But what kind of plain burger and what kind of black coffee?"

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

I don

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"Don't tell him anything."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

I'm sorry, Miss. I can't involve the bouncer just to "teach somebody a lesson." Menu.

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

'Mine was stone cold.'

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

How is your soup, sir? Speaking for myself, it looks pretty good. I can't speak for the fly, of course.

Plane with banner shoots at another.

Diner. We're out of link sausages. Are patties okay? Any pork in a storm!

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."

'Well, that's the last of the garlic repellent.'

'Waiter, I don't remember ordering this gristle!'

'Darling - are you finding these waiters rather over-attentive?'

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'