Quirky Diner Detective T-Shirts

'How is the water prepared?'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

Beef stew 50c. (In a bowl - $1.75)

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

Eat Locally - All Roadkill From 8-Mile Radius

'The customer is always right...'

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"How 'local' is the fish?"

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

'Openly sobbing, or non-openly sobbing?'

Dave's Hamburger Shop

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

"Don't tell him anything."

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"My apologies, but that's not a meatball. That's my computer mouse. I've been looking for it."

'Mine was stone cold.'

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

Plane with banner shoots at another.