Quirky Diner Detective Gifts

'How is the water prepared?'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

Beef stew 50c. (In a bowl - $1.75)

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

Eat Locally - All Roadkill From 8-Mile Radius

'The customer is always right...'

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"Don't tell him anything."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

'Openly sobbing, or non-openly sobbing?'

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

Dave's Hamburger Shop

Plane with banner shoots at another.

'Mine was stone cold.'

"My apologies, but that's not a meatball. That's my computer mouse. I've been looking for it."

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"