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'But this can't be what I ordered ... I know I ordered somethng I like.'

They waited as Allen tabulated how much the meal had cost per bite.

"Sorry about the delay, sir, but you shouldn't have to wait much longer - the manager is interviewing chefs as we speak."

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"You're right—they did charge you for the Heimlich maneuver."

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

'We'll let you know in a few minutes. Right now, we're googling your chef.'

"Let me guess, separate checks?"

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

What do you claim you found in your soup, sir?

'How did you find your steak, sir?'

'Hey, a fly! This is supposed to be vegetarian soup.'

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

I've heard they water down the drinks in here?

'I don't think I've ever had an eggplant before!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

'Hi, I'm Leo. How's the food here?'

'Darling - are you finding these waiters rather over-attentive?'

'To absent waiters!'

'My fortune says I will enjoy genetically modified rice.'

'It will take me less time to eat that than it took you to explain it.'

"You might try the Trout Almandine - it's just swimming in credit card debt."

"Reservations? Well we don't think much of the wallpaper but we still want to eat here..."

"If you know what you want, please say so now, otherwise listen carefully, because the menu option have changed."

"Yes, I suppose I could tell you what it is, but then I'd have to kill you."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

"I work the NSA so I guess I'll have the microfiche."

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."

"Allow me to point out today's special. Our profit margin's immense on that."

"Their food is supposed to be fabulous."

When Vegans Eat Out. . .