Dining Etiquette Detective Gifts

'For goodness sake, don't put your knife in your mouth. But my fork leaks.'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"I hope he's wearing pants."

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"Don't tell him anything."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

"The last doggy bag."

'Mine was stone cold.'

How is your soup, sir? Speaking for myself, it looks pretty good. I can't speak for the fly, of course.

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

I'm sorry, Miss. I can't involve the bouncer just to "teach somebody a lesson." Menu.

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

Plane with banner shoots at another.