Dining Etiquette Critic Gifts

"Can't you crunch bones with your mouth closed?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"Would you like to see the markup?"

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

"The catch of the day is halibut. The day it was caught was last Tuesday."

"The last doggy bag."

"If you represent special interests, I can seat you immediately."

"Wait. Let it breathe."

'You are quite right, the soup is cold.'

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"What a slobster."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

Screen Time at the Dining Table

'Is there a money back guarantee if the burrito isn't as big as your head?'

"They don't allow cell phones."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'I was bringing your businessman's lunch, sir, but a Government bureaucrat confiscated it!'

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"Now, who ordered the salad?"