Dining Etiquette Lover Gifts

"The last doggy bag."

'For Heaven's sake, Murray! Take a toothpick!'

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"I hope he's wearing pants."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"They don't allow cell phones."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Wait. Let it breathe."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"What a slobster."

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

I'll have a hamburger.

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

'Smoking section, please.'

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."

"Why, yes, I am 'still working on that.' You know what I'm not working on? Your gratuity!"

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"