Dinner Etiquette Enthusiast Gifts

Break Bread, Not Wind.

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"They don't allow cell phones."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"What a slobster."

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

I'll have a hamburger.

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."

"Why, yes, I am 'still working on that.' You know what I'm not working on? Your gratuity!"

'Smoking section, please.'

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"