Dinner Etiquette Enthusiast Pillows

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"The last doggy bag."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"They don't allow cell phones."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"What a slobster."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"Why, yes, I am 'still working on that.' You know what I'm not working on? Your gratuity!"

'Smoking section, please.'

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"

'Carlton! How many times have we told you not to scarf your food!?'

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."

"As I told you before, I do not allow smoking in my restaurant..."