Dinner Etiquette Pillows

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"The last doggy bag."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"What a slobster."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

The Last Dinner

'Have you been eating right?'

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

I'll have a hamburger.

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

'It's rude to stretch across the table. Haven't you got a tongue?'