Eating Etiquette Pillows

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"The last doggy bag."

"Hey! What did I tell you about drinking right out of your super bowl, young man?"

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"What a slobster."

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

'Have you been eating right?'

The Last Dinner

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"