Eating Etiquette Pillows

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"The last doggy bag."

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"What a slobster."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

The Last Dinner

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

'It's rude to stretch across the table. Haven't you got a tongue?'

'Have you been eating right?'

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

I'll have a hamburger.

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"