Dining Etiquette Fan Pillows

"You're the only one in here who had to ask for a knife and fork."

'You said 'chew your liver'. You didn't say anything about swallowing it.'

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"It's about an hour for the feeders. We can get you under on elderly couples table right away."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"What a slobster."

"They don't allow cell phones."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

I'll have a hamburger.

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"Why, yes, I am 'still working on that.' You know what I'm not working on? Your gratuity!"

'Carlton! How many times have we told you not to scarf your food!?'

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"

'Smoking section, please.'

"As I told you before, I do not allow smoking in my restaurant..."

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."