Dining Etiquette Fan Prints

"You're the only one in here who had to ask for a knife and fork."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

'Of course I don't mind you vomiting all over your food, but do you have to be so noisy about it?'

'You said 'chew your liver'. You didn't say anything about swallowing it.'

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"It's about an hour for the feeders. We can get you under on elderly couples table right away."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"They don't allow cell phones."

"What a slobster."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

I'll have a hamburger.

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."