Dining Etiquette Critic Pillows

"Can't you crunch bones with your mouth closed?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"Would you like to see the markup?"

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

"The last doggy bag."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"The catch of the day is halibut. The day it was caught was last Tuesday."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"If you represent special interests, I can seat you immediately."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

'Is there a money back guarantee if the burrito isn't as big as your head?'

"They don't allow cell phones."

'You are quite right, the soup is cold.'

"What a slobster."

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

I'll have a hamburger.

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'I was bringing your businessman's lunch, sir, but a Government bureaucrat confiscated it!'

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Now, who ordered the salad?"

'Smoking section, please.'