Restaurant Etiquette Enthusiast Pillows

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"They don't allow cell phones."

"What a slobster."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"