Restaurant Etiquette Enthusiast Gifts

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"The last doggy bag."

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"What a slobster."

"Wait. Let it breathe."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"They don't allow cell phones."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"