Restaurant Etiquette Buff Gifts

'I'll start off with drinks and an appetizer, then check back with me after awhile and I'll order my main course.'

"They don't allow cell phones."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"What a slobster."

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

The Last Dinner

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"As I told you before, I do not allow smoking in my restaurant..."