Restaurant Etiquette Buff T-Shirts

'I'll start off with drinks and an appetizer, then check back with me after awhile and I'll order my main course.'

"They don't allow cell phones."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"The last doggy bag."

"What a slobster."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

I'll have a hamburger.

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

The Last Dinner

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"