Dining Etiquette Experts T-Shirts

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"The last doggy bag."

"They don't allow cell phones."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"What a slobster."

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"Wait. Let it breathe."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

The Last Dinner

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

'Carlton! How many times have we told you not to scarf your food!?'

'Smoking section, please.'

"Why, yes, I am 'still working on that.' You know what I'm not working on? Your gratuity!"

"As I told you before, I do not allow smoking in my restaurant..."

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."

Break Bread, Not Wind.

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"