Dining Etiquette Aficionado T-Shirts

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

Must you smack your lips?

'Smocking or non-smocking?'

'Arrest that man, officer. His clothes simply reek of cigarette smoke.'

"What a slobster."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Shouldn't you use a plate?"

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"The last doggy bag."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

'Gosh, Cindylou, you can't judge a guy solely on how he eats spaghetti!'

"They don't allow cell phones."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

I'll have a hamburger.

'Carlton! How many times have we told you not to scarf your food!?'

"Do you have any appetizers that are just fun to play with?"

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"

'Smoking section, please.'