Restaurant Etiquette Aficionado T-Shirts

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Shouldn't you use a plate?"

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"The last doggy bag."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"They don't allow cell phones."

"What a slobster."

'Gosh, Cindylou, you can't judge a guy solely on how he eats spaghetti!'

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

I'll have a hamburger.

'Carlton! How many times have we told you not to scarf your food!?'

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"

'Smoking section, please.'