Restaurant Etiquette Aficionado T-Shirts

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"Shouldn't you use a plate?"

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"The last doggy bag."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"What a slobster."

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

'Gosh, Cindylou, you can't judge a guy solely on how he eats spaghetti!'

"They don't allow cell phones."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

I'll have a hamburger.

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

I don't care who you are - if you didn't reserve the round table. I'll have to seat you in a booth.

'Smoking section, please.'