Dining Etiquette Expert T-Shirts

"OK, now the chef suggests you eat faster."

"Chef's special..?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"I hope he's wearing pants."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"The last doggy bag."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"They don't allow cell phones."

"What a slobster."

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

Casino. All you can eat buffet. Now here's a game where I can beat the house!

I'll have a hamburger.

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

"Why, yes, I am 'still working on that.' You know what I'm not working on? Your gratuity!"

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."

'Smoking section, please.'

'Carlton! How many times have we told you not to scarf your food!?'