Dining Manners Aficionado T-Shirts

'It was a complete surprise when the table-setting police arrived. I had no idea I was doing it wrong.'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Shouldn't you use a plate?"

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"The last doggy bag."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"What a slobster."

'Gosh, Cindylou, you can't judge a guy solely on how he eats spaghetti!'

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"Grace and polish, all bundled up together in one man?"

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

I'll have a hamburger.

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

Break Bread, Not Wind.

"As I told you before, I do not allow smoking in my restaurant..."

"Do you have any appetizers that are just fun to play with?"

'Carlton! How many times have we told you not to scarf your food!?'

'Smoking section, please.'

"Our chef recommends I 'get a haircut and lose the wise-guy attitude.'"

I don't care who you are - if you didn't reserve the round table. I'll have to seat you in a booth.

"OK, now the chef suggests you eat faster."

Must you smack your lips?

"You're the only one in here who had to ask for a knife and fork."

Mind your manners and use a rounded tip knife instead.