Restaurant Etiquette Pillows

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"Of course the chef ‘suggests’ it — it’s seventy-five bucks!"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

Pleasant!

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"Hey! What did I tell you about drinking right out of your super bowl, young man?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"The last doggy bag."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"They don't allow cell phones."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"What a slobster."

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

The Last Dinner

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"