Restaurant Etiquette Pillows

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"Of course the chef ‘suggests’ it — it’s seventy-five bucks!"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

Pleasant!

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"They don't allow cell phones."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"What a slobster."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

The Last Dinner

'It's rude to stretch across the table. Haven't you got a tongue?'

I'll have a hamburger.

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

'Have you been eating right?'