Service Etiquette Pillows

"That's right, sir, you did book a table for four but you didn't say anything about chairs."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Awkward First Dates

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'Sorry, J.B., but I never merge after a first meeting.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was fine. I just don't like any of you and don't want to be here."

What a gentleman imagines while he holds a door open.

"Yoo hoo, the meeting's over here."

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'