Professional Etiquette Pillows

The awkwardness of one's first officeplace fist-bump.

"Can I help you?"

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was fine. I just don't like any of you and don't want to be here."

'Sorry, J.B., but I never merge after a first meeting.'

"Yoo hoo, the meeting's over here."

'High five Sir? We usually seal the deal with a handshake.'

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

"I hit reply all too many times."

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

Let's shake on it.

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"I don't mind getting email from you, Stevens. But don't ever send me another smiley-face emoji."

"I need you to look at the big picture, Boswell. Not the little one of my trophy wife."

"I can check again, but Mr. Saunders usually insists on the full wait."

'Apart from the pain I can't get my hat off.'

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"Hey, it's me. I just sent you a text message responding to your e-mail saying that I should IM you."

Friday is Wet Khakis Day!

"Tell him I can still hear him chewing."

Conference Rooms - Cell phones being handed in.

"... And how are you enjoying the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu?"

"How about fashionably never?"

"Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to say how much I hate your dress."

'I noticed there was nothing in the employee handbook about snacks, naps, or pet's birthdays.'

'I hate long meetings so in order to save time can we agree to talk at once?'

'While they always come back as unfounded, maybe you could prevent these allegations of sexual harassment by not telling people you like the cut of their jib.'

"Would it decrease my chances of getting a five star rating if I were to ask you about your political views."

'I certainly phoned SOMEBODY and said, honey, I'm bringing home a guest for dinner!'

Canadian Zoom

"Don't stare at his massive claw... Don't stare at his massive claw...

"Donald, you’re in the C-suite now. No more smiley faces or exclamation points."

"Sorry, these are saved."

"Sorry, but I didn't switch from unsanitary handshakes to fist bumps just to start group hugging!"