Public Etiquette Pillows

Queue outside lady's toilets: 'Please wait to be seated'.

"Latte for a guy you're sure ordered after you."

Drying your hands on trousers.

"How embarrassing. Please, just leave me home next time you go to the Laundromat."

Human Cull: People who stand on the escalator so that you can't walk past them.

"Hey lady, you dropped these!"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

Only One Item or Fewer.

Awkward First Dates

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

"Yoo hoo, the meeting's over here."

What a gentleman imagines while he holds a door open.

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was fine. I just don't like any of you and don't want to be here."

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'Sorry, J.B., but I never merge after a first meeting.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"