Public Etiquette Observer Pillows

'Hold on,I'm getting a bad signal.'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

'Now, our master is always polite and leaves the seat up for us, not like our Mistress...'

"I know we're not supposed to invite them over the threshold dear, but it seemed awfully rude to leave him standing on the doorstep."

Mime on invisible phone in restaurant.

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

"I'd like you two to meet Will and Diane Clampett. Will is the powerful chairman and chief executive officer of a large multinational corporation, and Diane is his passive-aggressive wife."

'Why does the vicar keep saying 'Bless you' when nobody is sneezing?'

A guy steals popcorn from the man sitting next to him.

'You're not supposed to kiss everyone, Mr Jenkins.'

"Be right with you. I need to take this real quick."

"You do realize you’re serving with the murder weapon?"

Victorians playing croquet.

'I'm looking for a romantic tale of wild, unbridled passion I can read while being pushed and groped on the subway.'

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

"How much do you tip your genie?"

'I'm having the shrimp scampi. How about you?'

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

"Latte for a guy you're sure ordered after you."

A guest departing a party.

"If they really come in peace, where are their fruit baskets?"

"Burp! Burp! Pardon..."

"Sir, your sitting here and drinking coffee while simply musing is making our guests uncomfortable."

Quilp interupts at tea

"Thank you for the lovely dinner, Perry. Would you like to come in for a stool softener?"

"David! It's only trendy to drink beer straight from the bottle!"

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

'Apparently the one code you're not familiar with is a dress code.'

"Did you just trumpet?"

''How am I?' Tsk, you people who don't do facebook! I've got to make up a status update especially for you, have I?'

"At Morgan Stanley, Ms. Brimworth, we do not shout 'Bingo!'"

"I wish you'd stop trying to gross everybody out."

'On The Face Of It.'