Mobile Etiquette Observer Pillows

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

Fear of news.

"Ha! So much for environmentally friendly behaviour!"

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

"Yoo hoo, the meeting's over here."

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"

"Red wine with fish? Sometimes you really are a monster."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"Sign our updated non-compete agreement. It now includes nasty comments on social media."

"You're probably wondering why I called you. It's because I accidentally butt dialed you."

Politeness opens doors

"Excuse me, sorry, is anyone using this chair?"

'Now, our master is always polite and leaves the seat up for us, not like our Mistress...'

"I know we're not supposed to invite them over the threshold dear, but it seemed awfully rude to leave him standing on the doorstep."

"Good evening, Sir. I’m Ian, your server with a serious attitude."

"I'm sorry, Tom, you'll have to come in. I can't diagnose just from your tweets!"

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

'Why does the vicar keep saying 'Bless you' when nobody is sneezing?'

Man Wrapped In Film

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"I'd like you two to meet Will and Diane Clampett. Will is the powerful chairman and chief executive officer of a large multinational corporation, and Diane is his passive-aggressive wife."

"Not quite – one ankle on top of the other!"

'You're not supposed to kiss everyone, Mr Jenkins.'

'Remember, it's not just gimme. It's please gimme.'

'It was embarrassing. While I was taking up their cell phones, my cell phone rang.'

Dog urinating standing up.

"They say you're supposed to listen to what your body is telling you."

"May I trouble you for a steak knife?"

". . . And let's try not sniffing EVERYONE'S butt tonight."